Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Shades of Fear!!!

When I look at myself in the mirror, I am in shell of horror
Sometimes I feel my heart will explode, every ringing bell gives me a road
Sometimes the world becomes gloomy, and I try to find the actual me
I smell the man trying to kill, letting the silence to fill
Sometimes I feel dreams to be reality, I cry for mercy and pity
Then I turn, I open my eyes, I find nobody around
Was it the truth or a gloomy dream? Was I actually going to scream?
Still thoughts put up in a maze, pounding, surrounded by haze
Life has become tangled braid
Can I come out of it?
Can I be free?
Can I live my life without being afraid?

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Headache.. That's all!!!

If World Health Organization starts categorizing the diseases and disorders as per their severity of pain, definitely headache will score the least. Considering the most common, and not categorized exactly under diseases, unless as a symptom of major health issues, headaches are often taken lightly and dismissed without giving a second thought. I wonder what headaches must be going through, as people are being ignorant about them! From the outer look, a headache is just not noticeable unless the person screams out loud. Nobody takes a day off because of headache and it wasn't even a reason good enough to write it in our leave letters during school days. So, the most neglected condition "HEADACHE", is the most common and widely popular. There is no man or woman on earth, who have never got a headache so far. As children, when people spoke of headaches, we often cried out saying "Oh! so it means you have a head", implementing brain! Whatever it may be, headaches are always there, everywhere; Obama, Shah Rukh Khan, Kiran Bedi or Shruthi, one thing for sure is common, headache.

For me, headaches have always been fearful, dreadful experience. Once I was extremely sick and admitted in the hospital for days, yet I was happy, eating the free hospital food and watching tv without any restriction. But it's always a big NO for headaches. Having suffered from Migraine for quite long now, headaches haunt me even in my dreams. No matter how many times I exhibit my displeasure for them, they disobey to leave me. Sometimes I wonder, do I still have space left in my body for pain killers? After several MRIs, several courses of medicines, several visits to the doctor I have come to a conclusion that these headaches are never going to leave me. They are mine, forever. And, they are like vacations. They come at a specified time for a specified duration, torture me day and night, even during sleep and then vanish, like I had never suffered before. So, this past one week was my headache-summer-vacation-camp time.

It felt like thousand MRI machines are scanning my head simultaneously (If you know the ear piercing sound of MRI testing), It felt like millions of dogs are barking in a battle field with guns firing, bombs blasting, It felt like woodpecker has mistaken my head for a log, It felt like tailor is sewing my head than a piece of cloth, It felt like diwali was blasting inside my head, It felt like life was so painful than death. Yes! these were my exact thoughts for a mere headache which everybody faces most of the days. I couldn't bear it and I can't bear it (I still have them) and I have strictly opted out of pain killers this time. Sleep, a good hot water bath, a cool breeze drive nothing is helping me out. Eyes are hiding unable to look at the laptop. Ears are shutting even at the sound of footsteps. And, mind is continuously reminding me "You have a headache. It's increasing. How about a pain killer?". When all these physical, psychological, emotional changes are vandalizing your identity, at least you expect people to understand that you are sick (why can't people fall sick with headaches even that can strike at a higher intensity).

Nope, nobody understands and finally, when I explain it to them for half an hour amid the headache, all they can say is, "Oh! you have headache, That's all? The way you were behaving we thought you have caught some serious disease".

And I just murmur inside my aching head, "Yes, it's just a headache but it pains like hell!".

P.S - these headaches are keeping me away from my second husband. Hopefully I get well soon and come back with boom. Oh! That rhymed :)

Saturday, April 12, 2014

My second Husband!!!

                  When you are newly married (newly is defined for a term of one year post marriage date), the same old sulking life regains its energy and starts pacing at maximum speed. You remember getting ready for marriage, having some unknown strange fears -inspired by bollywood dramas- waiting for something to go wrong and a line of tension rise and set on parent's faces. And immediately, within a blink, the day is over, months are passed and years have happily walked by. But the initial days of marriage comes as a surprise package for couples, be it love or arranged marriages. Hence, it becomes crucial to spend the initial days together, to get to know each other better, to realize if the surprise makes you smile or faint in shock. Of course, not to forget, love is at its peak for the newly married (I hope it doesn't reduce over years, but that is what I have heard) so being with each other not only becomes necessity but also, an instant desire. When all the women, think and dream and drool about these days, my husband had to get back to his work abroad immediately after seven days of marriage. To say less, I was heart broken. Being this a love marriage, that too after being in long distance relationship, heart longed to be with him even more. Work is work, all he had to say. However, he stays in India with me for two weeks and spends two weeks abroad since marriage. You might think, It's a good thing but ask me it's not! The moment I accept the bitter reality of his absence in my life, he shows up at the door. Then when my heart gets acclimatized to his presence, it would be time for his next flight. So, I cribbed even more. Agitated. Angry. Frustrated. Lost. Tensed. Irritated. Marriage never looked so disastrous for me. Wherever I went, Whatever I did, be it alone or in public, his thoughts hovered me like a gawking eagle. I was shattered, slipping in to depression, pestering my husband about my VISA processing and crying profusely aloud trying to console myself, again and again; reading like never read before, eating like forever hungry and sleeping like a beast. But, nothing helped. I knew, I couldn't spend 15 days in a month sobbing. Hence, I decided I need to try something that I will enjoy and so, blogging.


The first thing in the morning, not checking my mobile for husband's messages, but emails for blog related notifications

When I am done with household chores, I don't curl up on the bed crying, but opening my laptop, reading other's blogs, appreciating how beautiful their writing is

I don't crib about my husband being busy anymore but I crib about not being able to pen down the emotions in the right way (I have to crib, no matter what)

When in the shower or eating or doing any physical activity -which makes my mind wander in the vast imaginations of my husband-, I now try to assemble all my thoughts thinking, what would be my next topic or how I can write better or I have to increase my network and know more people

I often complained about having lots of free hours and now, I feel 24 hours is too less. There are still so many blogs and posts which are pending to read

Finally, when the day ends and when my husband calls, I tell him "I am a bit busy now. How about we catch up later?" and deep inside my heart beneath all the blood vessels, aorta, and ventricles, it beats a beat of satisfaction, for once being able to say the sentence which is my husband's chant. 

So, now you all must be knowing who is my second husband, who keeps me so busy all day that I barely get time for anything else. Finally, I am gathering hold of my senses and shoving up tears back to its native. I feel happy, calm, composed. I feel myself, all over again!

Thursday, April 10, 2014


            I genuinely want to switch off the T.V, not because I want to stick my eyes on Ekta Kapoor's never ending saas-bahu drama or watch cricket or any gossip about bollywood. I want to stop listening to this election crap which has given me ear ache. I want to elections to end as soon as possible, not to know who becomes the Prime Minister of India. Honestly, not interested! The election banners say, vote for the right one and that's the power you have to choose your leader, and I ask, what leader are you talking about? Are we trying to elect the blind in the group of deaf? Are we trying to elect based on their crime records (most are hidden)? Are we trying to elect based on their false promises? Are we trying to elect based on our love towards a political party? Like my grandmother once had told, no matter who is the candidate I will only vote for this (not revealing) symbol. I call ourselves hypocrites as we talk about our rights without even trying to change anything and people like these will continue to rule us. I don't have to think twice, I am a hypocrite as well! But most importantly, why I have got sick of these elections? I think it's because people are instilling thoughts to create hatred and believing in "divide and rule". Sometimes I truly think, why did India gain independence to get ruled by impostors or criminals? Once again, back to square one, who is the right candidate - Is it Rahul gandhi, Narendra Modi or Arvind Kejriwal or those umpteen names and unknown parties? Definitely, one way of judging them is listening to their speeches but I got confused even more as I detested Modi on hearing Gandhi and detested Gandhi on hearing Modi and same applies to all. What are these people talking about? They are insulting other candidates to prove their superiority and surprisingly, during their rallies the crowd cheers them up when they speak ill of other party candidates. But we, the educated lot, either believe our heart or sit at home unwilling to vote sympathizing the current status of India. Here is a quick look at the future leaders point of views, goals and so-called agendas (famously known as Muddas - the never ending) and tell me how am I supposed to vote for the right listening to all this. 

"Modi wants to become the PM and he can do anything for it. He will divide the nation into pieces, make people fight against each other," Mr Gandhi said at a rally in Kanker in Chhattisgarh. 

Azam Khan, a Samajwadi Party leader, for his statement on the 1999 Kargil war said, "The peaks of Kargil were conquered, not by a Hindu but by Muslim soldiers," he said in Ghaziabad, a constituency in Uttar Pradesh where a large number of retired army men are voters.

Samajwadi Party chief Mulayam Singh, who said on Tuesday, "It is unfortunate that people like Amit Shah are in politics. People like him are making divisive speeches. We will fight the BJP like we have and we will destroy Amit Shah."

Rashtriya Lok Dal leader Ajit Singh said,  "Western Uttar Pradesh will burn in communal flames if the BJP comes to power. To prevent this, we can go to any extent, even if it means throwing Modi into the ocean".

"There is an attempt to cover one man's real face with a mask. He is being projected as the cure for all ills and a miraculous leader," Mrs Gandhi said at a rally in Kolar, Karnataka, without naming Mr Modi.

“Three AKs have emerged as a unique strength for Pakistan. One is AK-47 which has been used to cause bloodshed in Kashmir. The second is A.K. Antony, who informs Parliament that people wearing the dress of Pak army beheaded our soldiers while our Army says Pakistanis had come. Third AK which is AK49 who has just given birth to a new party,” Modi said, in a reference to Kejriwal, who resigned after 49 days as chief minister of Delhi.

            These leaders are threatening each other publicly; destroy, throwing in to ocean, Kargil won by Muslims etc etc. I wonder, if they are exhibiting their true nature or acting like fifth standard children. But whatever it is, our nation, in one simple word, is screwed.

            They are trying to pile up votes by dividing between Hindus and Muslims, congress and BJP and AAP but I guess the country has already been divided. Civilians Vs Politicians! Sometimes I feel, they are like British, looting us, harassing us but only difference is, they are here because of our will and wish. And finally, people can say, "if your country is being slaughtered today, then only you are to blame as you voted for them" but strangely, nobody gives us the option of choosing the candidate who should stand for elections. If the raw products are bad then how can you expect a good product of it? I am to vote on April, 17th and I will, contemplating my decision of pressing any button!!!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

She stank, and so did exams!!!

Our batch of 19 had faced this major crisis thrice in a year and that too, for five long years. Everybody prayed before exams, everybody got scared, conscious and the lack of sleep made us delusional. But the moment we entered the examination hall, all our senses were pulled back to reality and we prayed endlessly so that we don't get seated next to this stinking girl. Yes! specifically she stank during exam period. It had become a routine ritual for us and a very dreadful experience for that lucky person who got to sit next to her. Though, she being our classmate nobody ever had the gut to open up to her with a feeling of not hurting her emotions or superstitions. Our exams were royally screwed (especially for her bench-mate) due to nausea, headache and surging instinct of killing her.

So, when a gal who is clean all through the year starts stinking only during exams we had hypothesized a theory as an explanation. Being the hard working, studious soul she was, we were sure, she thought of not wasting her time by taking bath and of course, her lucky dress, which she wore all through the exams fearing she might fail if she got out of it. Sometimes, it even occurred to me as a great plan to kill your competitor. We couldn't complain it to authorities or even, her. Silently we all suffered for five long years inhaling her sweat smell, her body odour and all sorts of other smell, which left her body only to feel our nose. I would have preferred a garbage area as examination hall, which might have reduced her effect. It was torturous! Thanks to her, we hardly got scared of exams but the entire examination process, we loathed from the bottom of our hearts. Even today when I think of it I run towards washroom only wishing, had I asked her "what's the smell boss?"

Message to be taken : Study hard, do well in life but for god's sake DO TAKE BATH. If you don't, then you are a culprit for killing others peace of mind, happiness and of course, their NOSE!!!

This entry is written for RACOLD- reborn everyday with hot water.

Know more about RACOLD :

Get inspired to take bath everyday, be it exams or death sentence, you have no right to kill others : you tube video "what's the smell boss?"

Take hot water bath everyday and rejuvenate your body, mind and soul.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The Brut-ish Boy!!!

         There were no second thoughts, I was for sure not in Love! But there was something about him I longed everyday every minute I sat next to him. Was it attraction? Was it infatuation? Was it the so-called-famous love? Attraction and infatuation involves physical attributes but considering that, he had scored a perfect zero. Not that he was bad looking, as I put it, just not my type. He looked milky fair (I often asked, if his mother was a foreigner) with slightly chocolate brown hair (apt for center shock advertisement) and emerald green eyes. See now you understand how alien-ish he looked. So there were no second thoughts about me being attracted towards him. So if the first two are ruled out what is left, Love. People say, love is blind but can it be this blind? People also say, in love even a money looks like the prince right from fairy tales, not to my luck. I was totally perplexed by my own attitude, consoling myself every two minutes, of falling in love with green eyed peas. Yet, somewhere my heart let out a meek cry, that I was not in love with this chap. Yet, my heart wanted to be next to him smelling his fragrance. The day he would skip classes, I would sit alone seemingly dull, missing him. Or may be I missed his fragrance. Once I asked him to change his perfume and all my questionable love was flushed down the gutter. I never loved him (confirmed) but his perfume. The smell of his perfume was so addictive, making me believe I was in love. 
        Even after pestering him for two long years, he never revealed the name of his seductive mistress. I only wished if google could search it for me by smelling!!! Our school days were over and finally, when I stepped in to college a similar smell haunted me. I was elated on hearing its name, finally. So after two years of following a colourful (not metaphorically but literally) man, I show case a bottle on my dressing table, smelling often spraying as a room freshener but satisfied because of the lingering smell and the fact, I was still single.

Thursday, April 3, 2014


Indeed, if I come across a woman who wishes to play Football professionally, I will be stunned. Then if she highlights, selling tea and rotis are going to buy her that golden dream, I will be flabbergasted. Nonetheless, watching a beautiful video on Dooars XI, a football team run by tea selling girls made me realize no dreams are big enough not to see the face of reality; all that requires is passion and craving to dream. When the team of Half Stories (Initiate by Tata Capital) accidentally bumped in to these super excited bunch of passionate women, I am sure they are thrilled by their spirits as well. Even I got goosebumps just reading it; I wonder how the team had reacted. Be it wearing an old jersey or brother's shoes, nothing has kept these girls out of the reach of a new direction, new destiny which they have braided carefully, with the help of Bhabani Munda, their coach, their hope, and definitely, their true inspiration.

Bhabani Munda, who hit the ball first when 7, still continues to play with the same enthusiasm. It is obvious to any Indian women especially born and brought up in villages, how difficult it is to play the game titled only for men. We have all sympathized, Parminder Nagra a.ka. Jess in Bend it like Beckham for not being allowed to play football in spite of having grown in a country like the United Kingdom. That is exactly how our society is, culling the dreams of women in the name of marriage, rituals, superstition, and most importantly, as a curse to their womanhood. So, it gives me a proud moment, when I come across women like Bhabani Munda, who cutting down the odds, stand up with a team of women to fight the society and its chaos emerging as a winner. 

From an outsider, we appreciate her but how far can we submerge ourselves in understanding their pain and trouble? Was it easy for them to stand up in a society ruled, lived, and dragged by men? Bhabani Munda, was never allowed to play by her family fearing the society and their own self. But she broke out of it, built her own four walls and started living with the team girls, I am sure, are her true family now. Selling tea might be their occupation for food and football, but their journey has only begun. When the entire society, torn clothes, tattered shoes did not stop them, then they are never going to stop. The journey of Half Stories has touched my heart and I pray sincerely, that the story completes in a propitious way. And, the exuberant girls reach new realms of success because they truly deserve it!!!

Please contribute so that we can help them buy shoes, football, socks and their own jersey, as they possess the rest.

You can also meet Bhabani Mudra here,