Monday, December 8, 2014

Just dump them !!!

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Certain baggages are for life but every year I pledge to make certain necessary changes in my life, ah never happens !!! And if somebody asks me "what's your new year resolution?" now, all I can murmur under breath is "mind your own business dude". What's up with this new year and resolutions? I can make a resolution any day and break them any day. Nobody needs to know but with all this new year resolution and crying them out loud in public I end up being humiliated and a victim of constant prying. So, I decided (as one more resolution) not to make any commandments. That's it and I was done with it !!!

But yes, December is the month when my mind rewinds the tape and scrutinizes every single detail of that year. I would sulk at things that did not pay me back and whine about things that I forbade myself in to doing. At the end of the year my heart would be filled with a mix of joy and grief and by the beginning of next year it would turn in to hope. It is this hope, which pushes me in to preparing yet another resolutions list trying to get the best out of myself. Nothing mysterious about them any ways as it would be a repetition of last years.

So here goes my list of things that I want to leave behind in 2014 -

1. Being a short tempered person is no bliss. However, I have grown as a person and compared to myself ten years ago my anger has substantially reduced or controlled. But no matter how much rule over my anger, it sometimes takes control of me and I react in ways which I wish would delete from my memory forever. I for sure feel guilty. So, yes this is one thing I want to throw out of my life forever - Anger

2. I love talking and yes, there is no harm in talking. But once I get in to that mood of blabbering I lose control over my tongue and forget to stop which often annoys people. Having heard statements like "may be you should stop now" or "I am bored now" or "I have no patience in listening any more" or "you are explaining way too much" it is time I master the art of how much to talk. So, I want to leave behind my garrulous mouth.

3. Now you can imagine the plight of a husband whose wife is short tempered and has no control over her tongue. Yes, when I am angry I just can't control the usage of my words and end up hurting some sensitive and insensitive hearts. Nobody can stand my firing bullets and getting injured is a part of war. So, I want to leave behind anger + abusive mouth = ????? whatever the end result is !!!

4. I want to stop whining from this moment onwards (is there a button to switch it off???). Shruthi without whining is like water without hydrogen or oxygen. I whine about things that went wrong in the past and that might go wrong in the future and that are going wrong in the present. And if all is well, I whine about things not going wrong wondering how can everything work out just fine for me!!!

5. I normally put forth a brave face in the society. But I am a coward. I am scared to sleep alone (what if ghosts eat me up), I am scared of insects (they are creepy) and I am scared of most of the things - death, life and everything associated with it. So, there are no second guesses I want to leave behind fear.

6. From morning till evening, I normally experience a series of mood swings from being happy to sad to excited to dull to disappointed. Sometimes I feel I have no control over my own self. It keeps fluctuating and I can't say exactly what kind of a person I am. So, I want to leave these mood swings behind and I have no idea how to control them (and if every wife takes this as a resolution, world would be a better place for all the husbands)

7. I feel my district's water supply is connected to my eyes and if anybody says anything or even a sad scene on television makes me weep. Honestly, I am not that gentle soul or anything but I can't take harsh words or harsh realities in life. A beggar on street to a stray dog brings tears in my eyes so quick that I myself can't fathom what I do I actually feel when I see them. But these tears portray me as a weak person which I do not like. I am a strong woman (forget about point 5, I am brave or may be this is what I was talking about in point 6). Whatever it is, I want to leave these tears behind.

8. If somebody asks for a favour, I am normally hesitant to say "NO" and I end up doing things which I would detest and regret later. I am hesitant in asking for favours from others. So, I end up doing their work and mine !!!! So, I want to be a straight forward person from here on and leave these hesitations behind.

9. I normally do not like others paying for my food bills and movie tickets and in most occasions I end up paying for them. But recently I have realized, the more I offer to pay the more they take advantage of me. The present scenario is people don't even offer to pay when I am along, like their money is money but mine is a piece of crap. So, this year I am done with paying bills (you got a free meal from me??? Enjoyed it??? No more) and from next year, let's go dutch (of course I still don't want them to pay for me but they can pay for themselves)

10. And here comes the important point, I am done being someone the society/family wants me to be. I can't stop calling my husband by name just because it is not accepted in my parent's family or start wearing salwar kameez (only) because they want me to. I can't be a person I am not and expecting that out of any woman is not acceptable. I just want to be me, may be the moody one or angry one but just me. But I definitely can't be someone they want me to become. I am done feeling obligated and this "feeling obligated" is something I for sure want to leave behind and may be every woman should.

Well, if I abide to this list I am going to be a saint !!! I am not sure if I can fully incorporate these things in my life but even if I can bring about 1% of these changes in me, I would be proud of myself and will post the same post for next year's resolutions !!! Till then, Happy New Year guys and have a great year...

This post is written as a part of IndiSpire

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