Saturday, October 11, 2014

The uncertainty quotient !!!!

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"Life is what you make it" (like we all have been educated since birth to take the right decisions)

When I read Preeti Shenoy's novel I was absolutely convinced. Title intrigued me and agreed with me but what was in it not so much. My husband often chants that our happiness lies in our hands. So yeah I get it now. If I am a loser, I am responsible. If I am a hippie, I am responsible. If I am flying spreading out my wings in this divine sky, hell yes, I am responsible. 

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Yet, when an entire world of happiness lies in our damned fist we let it loose and curse god for making our fingers tremble. So, here standing at this junction of life I wonder is life really what we make it or our decision making skills are far immature than we imagined. I call it "the uncertainty quotient" or call it basic human rights ???

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Every human being has the right to be uncertain. Starting from what shall I cook for breakfast to whom shall I marry to Am I making the right choice (for every silly thing) to is this store good for buying vegetables, uncertainty runs thicker than blood in our veins. But honestly, we never take those good two seconds to analyze why are we having second thoughts? Why can't we make a choice and accept it? Why do we even think twice? If it's a wrong decision then time will teach its lesson and being mature is nothing but learning from our mistakes. Isn't it? 

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May be this is a human trait to make things perfect in the first round and screw it all up. Hence, confusions wander in our imaginations more than goals, achievements. I am pretty sure there is no one who is absolutely certain about everything. Today when I think about my future and some crisp decisions to be made I know I am not yet ready for them. I am not sure what is right and what is wrong. This turmoil is slowing my life, my achievements and crumbling my dreams. Every night I lay on the bed and bug my husband with umpteen questions. Usually I do that to drag me from the world of uncertainty to hold on to something more stable. But last night I realized I was confusing him. My questions triggered his uncertainty spot and making him totter in the maze of confusions. Then whole day I kept thinking what is best for me and how I can be certain about being certain. Is going abroad the right decision (few weeks ago I was all happy about it), is doing PhD the right thing for me professionally (till yesterday I was puking at the thought of PhD), is maintaining a blog right utilization of time (I never ever thought I would become uncertain about this one at least) and etc etc etc. These thoughts kept pummeling my not-so-naive brain and now I am absolutely clueless. 

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Right now, my uncertainty quotient is high. Why can't I just live my life, flow with the wind and be happy? Why do I need to plan and have a back up and be sad? I feel my head will explode with these thoughts and I will never get a clear cut answer. Why me, nobody has a clear cut answer. Life is a big question by itself. The more you dig, more questions evolve and you sink deep in to an abyss. Right now I am in that pit. I see question marks all around me with darkness filling my soul. I am only asking for some answers but I can't see them. I am blind or blindfolded. I can hear people talking, suggesting me what is best for me, like they have lived my life through my emotions. But it's all hazy. Too many people talking, instructing, guiding. May be because of this I can't listen to the voice of my inner soul. And so I am hopelessly confused. Aghast. Shattered. Waiting for some answers. Waiting for my life to be certain. But even now I am certain about one thing. I want to get over these confusions only to find peace in life. I feel that when all the questions are answered I would have nothing more to think about. And my heart and soul will rest in peace. Is it really possible? or the tag "rest in peace" will be associated only for dead??? I have no answers right now !!!

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At times being uncertain, thinking over decisions may be the right thing but not always. After all, life is short and we can't waste it being uncertain. At least we need to be certain that we made the right choice, took the right decisions and live through it. Even if it is not the best one. Life only gets funnier when we know all these yet unable to oblige making life a complicated game.